Returning to Find the Excitement in the Mundane

I have gained weight. I have been depressed, sleeping and eating a lot.  It may be because of a new medication change, but still its bad. When I am in my lows I compulsively eat. That is what I am battling now,  staying in my bed all day and eating compulsively. I have realized it is an addiction.  I am addicted to sugar and carbs.  So what am I to do?

I am trying to create a schedule to keep me healthy, but  schedules are hard for me to follow, as this blog is a testament of.

I started this new schedule goal last Friday. I was going to wake up and  go to the gym before 8 am and abstain from eating sugar. I managed  to do it one day. I woke up and went to the gym that first morning (Friday). I was doing good at avoiding  sugar. I succeeded in 4 days without sugar, but then I cracked. I saw a picture of a  twinkie and I wanted one. I don't  even particularly like twenties. They are just okay in my opinion. I spent my last bit of money on twinkies &  cookies at 11 pm Tuesday and a candy bar at  4 pm today (Wednesday) and chocolate fruit bites at 6pm. That is even more evidence of the addiction. That is a long way  from where I was at the beginning  of the semester. The idea of being  addicted to food was very uncomfortable for me to face.

 

Thoughout the week I also realized that since I avoided sweets, I still compulsively ate carbs. What is really bad is that I will go to a lot of effort to have my addictive food. If I don't have any sweets on hand I will make some, the microwave cakes got me for awhile but recently I have gone to the lengths of making more strenuous foods such as shortbread cookies, yellow cake, and when I was avoiding sugar I made homemade focaccia. This was when all I had was a few ingredients in the house. I typically don't even like bread, I really just needed something to much on and the carrots weren't satisfying.

Soon I will learn how to avoid sweets and carbs and instead take satisfaction from having an apple or salad instead. Now I just have to focus on getting rid of the addiction.

I am realizing that I need to play to my strengths and weaknesses. I need to learn from my past and decide the best course of action. In the past I have used fitness pal to keep track of the every detailed account of what I ate. As you can tell from my blog posts I really don't like keeping track of what I eat. I tried sticking to a schedule of working out in the morning. These things helped, but they didn't work completely. I also need to learn to be flexible. If I fail to wake up one morning for early workouts then I can go in the afternoon or evening. It might help to keep a track of what I eat, but maybe be less detailed about it. Maybe only keeping track of when I ate rather than what I ate is more fitting.

I have to realize that I am not a morning person. It will always be difficult for me to wake up in the early morning. Therefore, I should not expect myself to wake up early to exercise. Today was a failure of the morning. I did not exercise, and missed a Dr. appointment. I stayed in bed to the very last minute that I needed for my interview. The day wasn't over. I still had time to exercise, so I went after class. Maybe exercise after class can become an option. I still would like to try to wake up early each morning to exercise, because it is healthy to have a schedule that prevents me from being in my bed all day.

I have also focused on a night time ritual. I get a cup of chamomile and ginger honey tea (yes it has sugar but it balances the strong ginger) at around 10pm. I also take my medication at 10 pm. This give me about an hour to do things like, write my blog, read the bible, read non-fiction or fiction. And another hour to focus on getting to bed, so I fall asleep at 12 (not go to bed at 12). It usually takes a little time to transition from being in bed to falling asleep.

 

 I want to come back to writing in my blog more. My first semester of grad school is coming to an end. I haven't been writing in here because I have been occupied with my grad school work, and plus I didn't feel like it. I really just didn't want to face my goals.

I have bipolar disorder and my moods wax and wane from goal directed motivation to lazy lack of interest. It is a struggle to find a balance and that is my goal for this blog. I am Determined-2b-Determined to "Find the Excitement in the Mundane "goals that will keep me healthy.

not into it

I have been eating pretty good since my last post but I just don't feel like writing everyday.

My eating is definitely tied to my mood.

😞

I've been eating poorly and avoiding writing. This is been for the past five days

On the go good choices

Whoohoo  Excitement: I made healthy choices today!

I was driving literally the whole day today. I started the day off with a nutrition shake. After driving down town and back and to west Marietta and back, I was hungry. It was barely 11, but I was out of the house at 7:45. I had to get some things done at home before I could leave for statesboro, but the day seemed to be dragging and I just wanted to get on the road. It was a 3 1/2 hour drive. I wanted to just grab something. I decided that I could get something healthy at Arby's, and I was right. I got a turkey swiss on whole wheat bread. It had a lot of  flavor which I was really happy about, because I have some weakness when it comes to making sandwiches for myself; they never have flavor. There is also an option to get the sandwich I got in a whole wheat wrap if you want less bread. I got a medium peach tea, which probably had too much sugar.

I drove a long time and needed some caffeine, so I got a small mocha cappuccino. It was good, but really suggary. Even for me! I couldn't even finish it.

I forgot to mention how big the sandwich was from Arby's. I could have eaten the whole thing, but I had no need to stuff myself and it would be more useful for later in the day. I did end up eating it later, it was great to have on hand because I was rushing around and got hungry.

Before I hit the road to come back home I thought I need something to eat, it was after 8pm. I decided on a healthy fast food choice. I discovered this recently. Its great! Order a Kids meal with 6 piece grilled nuggets with fruit not fries, water and chocolate milk. AND it's under $5! The grilled chicken tastes marinated and grilled like a kabob, no sauce needed. I use the water as my drink and the chocolate milk as a dessert. The fruit is kinda like a dessert too.
I have to admit they accidentally gave me fries instead of fruit. I ate a few of them before driving all the way back around and getting my fruit. I did not finish the fries, they ended up being throw away so I have that much to be proud of.

On the way home the drive was like a black hole. The streets were so dead. It made me tired. I had to get some caffeine. I got a redbull and did not drink the whole thing.

Mundane: Driving forever

No exercise

Not prepared

Monday, back to work. I spend the day a home I nanny at. Lately there hasn't been much good to eat there, except sweets and junk food. I had a little bit more time this morning so I was able to grab a chick-fla chicken biscuit. As I was eating it I was realizing how greasy it was. I really need to be more restrictive. Of course sometimes its convenience. I need to get back to what I was doing before. Always having something on hand to prevent me from eating something unhealthy. For a quick breakfast I had nutrition shakes to take on the road. They have a lot of sugar, but I figure they are still better for me. I know they have more nutrition - vitamins and minerals. I was thirsty. I used to be content with water, but lately I want something flavored. I really should have bought the orange juice at chick-fla, because now I wanted the unhealthy Fanta. I side stepped the Fanta and went for the more healthy option of chocolate milk, but it didn't satisfy. It wasn't wet enough. So later I ended up drinking the Fanta too. For lunch I made pasta, but it was terrible. I would have eaten it, but I figured why waste the calories. Since I was so unsatisfied with lunch I ate a chocolate chip cookie. I also had eaten some watermelon as a snack. The watermelon was nice and juicy. I love fruit and if I always had it on hand it really would keep me out of trouble. When I got home I had half of a protein shake to tide me over until dinner. I went to a meet up at the wing café. I drank water and had 10 wings and celery sticks. Wings aren't the most healthy because they are fried (not breaded), but at least it is solid protein. I forgot to add I had a bite of dark chocolate when I was waiting for dinner. That is an example of mindless eating. Something I need to quit, and replace with smart snacks. I need to be better prepared.
I am learning a lot by reflecting on what I eat, but I really need to make changes. Should I go back to counting calories? I found it to be so finicky. Such a trouble trying to get the exact food. I would rather just make better choices and eat smaller portions.

The meet up was really enjoyable. I had several in depth conversations about my faith and that of others. I think the shema I am wearing on my wrist started all the conversation. It is a beautiful thing. I have plans to meet up with two of the guys I met there tonight. One was pursing me for a relationship. He expressed wanting to see me again and qualities about myself he likes. We discussed things that are important to us in dating. We were in agreement. He expressed an interest in my faith which is very important to me. The other guy is Jewish and from Iran he says he doesn't practice it much. I asked him what he thought about Yahushua (Jesus) he said He didn't believe in him and something about kabbalah and mystics. I don't know, but he was interested in continuing our conversation about it and we are meeting.

Mundane: poor choices in food
Excitement: Meeting a guy who is interested in having a relationship with me and interested in my faith
no exercise

Wedding and Travel

 Saturday was the day of the wedding. Sunday (today) was the day I traveled back. These are the kind of days that I am prone to skipping putting on here, because I am so busy and probably didn't do the best time watching what I ate.
On Saturday I went to breakfast at the hotel. I had an omelet with cheese tomato peppers and onions, cranberry juice, and pineapple juice. I went back to bed, by time I woke up it was lunch time. I drove downtown Dallas, because I was determined to see the city even just for a little. I went to this nice hotel restaurant and had fried redfish sandwich with lettuce tomato and tartar sauce on a bun with a side of salad with vinaigrette. I am proud of getting the salad instead of the fries. Next was the wedding. I had two pieces of bite sized toast with tomatoes and cheese on it and a chicken finger. I also had 8 oz.  sprite. I had some wedding cake, but only a small piece.

Sunday I woke up and was going to a brunch so while I was waiting for that I munched on too many cookie. I probably should have never bought those cookies, but they were homemade and looked so innocent. At brunch I had a small breakfast burrito with cheese potatoes and eggs, pineapple, raspberries, strawberries, tomatoes in vinaigrette, orange juice, cappuccino with cocoa, a slice of special bread. For dinner I had Cajun fries from five guys, pita with beef, hummus, cucumber tomato, yoghurt sauce, then I had a shortbread with dark chocolate. 

No exercise.
Mundane eating too many cookies
Excitement choosing lettuce and not very much cake nor appetizers

7-10-14

We set out for Dallas, TX today. I started the day out with a bowl of granola like cereal with dried fruit. Before we left town we stopped at Chick-fla. My mom, dad and me all shared 4 fried chicken strips, 8 grilled nuggets, and waffle fries. I probably ended up having 1.5 strips, and 4 grilled nuggets, 5 fries. I was drinking 8oz of root beer. We finished the meal with strawberries. I probably had 4. I had some Chex mix and mixed nuts on our drive as snacks. For dinner we ate at a buffet in a casino. I think I did very well for eating at a buffet. I filled my plate completely with vegetables, then got one slice of turkey which I only ate half of. The vegetables included: creamy cauliflower (it was really good and could be an alternative to pasta alfredo), broccoli with onions, cream corn, stuffing, okra in stewed tomatoes (I didn't eat much of it because I didn't like it). I think that is all.  I did have dessert. A few bites of strawberry cheese cake, a few bites of chocolate cake, one scoop of vanilla ice cream.

I did not exercise today.

Finding excitement: We went to several gas stations and vending machines and I resisted from buying junk food or candy.

Being on a vacation might be difficult to watch what I eat. I think the main thing is to enjoy the food, not worry about what it is, but just making sure I keep my proportions small.

No Cookies!

Today I did well.
Yesterday when I went to the psychiatrist and expressed my concern for my weight in regards to my medication, because most bipolar medications can cause weight gain, She was insistent to impress on me that my eating habits were the cause of the weight gain. She asked me some questions about what I eat, what my weakness were. I said it was sweets. She asked me what kind and I said whatever is near by. She told me to that I couldn't exclude all sweets and that I needed to pick out one thing. I said cookies. The house I nanny at always has cookies around. I take one here and there and don't think too much of it. It was uncomfortable talking with my doctor like that, but it was helpful and I am thankful that she pushed me to recognize that I need to take responsibility and make better choices about what I eat. Excitement Today I did not have any cookies! or any dessert for that matter.
On that note here is what I did eat:
nutrition shake, 1 slice wheat bread 1 egg 1 slice American cheese. minestrone soup with ritz crackers,  clear nutrition drink. small portion of noodles chicken and egg, small bit of special k cereal and 2%milk, a couple of sips of root beer.
Mundane I did not exercise Determination its not quite there yet for exercise but I do get excited to exercise  when I am doing it with other people like hiking or softball.

I slipped away - being honest and determined

When I start slipping away from my goals I slip away from writing about it. I think writing here when I go through those times would help me to get back on track. I think I shy away from it, because I am ashamed. But here I am again time after time of slipping away, I am back to begin again.

I like to keep some things to myself. I like to present things a little softer. One big thing I have been avoiding is my weight. Much of the motivation to start this blog is to motivate me to exercise and eat right. I have not being up front about the fact that I want to loose weight. I have said instead said "get healthy". Admitting that I need/want to loose weight is stigmatized in my mind. I don't want to be in the category of every other woman out there who thinks she is fat. I hate that. I have always taken pride in being satisfied with myself. Truth is I am not, but instead of facing that fact I have just avoided it. I want to be more open about my quest to loose weight. With that I want to share with you, something I have not been vocal about, my weight.

To use this blog to be most effective in my journey to Find the Excitement in the Mundane I need to be more consistent about posting. I am going to try this general format: begin with what is mundane provide explanation then end with how I am being determined about finding excitement in it. Additionally I will post what I ate that day and if I did any exercise and my weight and waist (once a week). I want to say that some posts may end up being only a few sentences, but I don't want brevity to prevent me from posting. Even posting a small reflection will help me to stay on track and meet my goals.

Today

Mundane: Accepting I am fat and it is because of the poor choices I take in my diet

Grub: Frootloops, some cookies, panda express bowl veggies and mushroom chicken, sweet raspberry tea, homemade couis couis ground beef cheese pablano peppers, boiled cob corn and broccoli, fresh strawberries in Hershey's chocolate spread

Exercise: Not today

Lbs.: 171 (doctors scale)

Find Excitement: I made this post after months without, which is a sign of progress. The beginning of tracking progress.

"Motivation is hard to come by. It is my motto of the season to find excitement in the mundane. This is the only way I believe I can conjure up some motivation to do all the things I need to do for a better life but don't want to do. It is about convincing myself that I want this. I am not determined, but I want to be. I want to be determined, I want to be consistent. I need to be. All of my goals are nothing without consistency." -Me from previous post

Flipped

This past week was better than the last but as the week was ending things got flipped.
I did manage to meet my quota for volunteering. I made it to the morning volunteer work once this week on Wednesday. By the grace of Yahweh it was easier for me to find willing participants. I was supposed to go Thursday morning, but opted not to for the excuse that I was sick the night before. Yep I got sick this week. Wednesday afternoon during my usual nanny job I started having a head ache which got progressively worse as the day continued and finally as the night came I was vomiting. Vomiting is terrible! It may have been from leftover fish I ate, but I have never heard of food sickness starting as a headache. Thankfully I was not scheduled to waitress Wednesday night.

Thursday night I did not sleep. I made use of the time and did some recumbent bike slower higher resistance for 30 minutes. I managed to get one hour before I had to get ready to leave to go to the volunteer meeting. I was still about 7 minutes late. I have the tendency to stay in bed until the "OH SHIT I better go now or else" moment. My mood while doing volunteer work on Thursday was better than it was on Wednesday. I was cheerful and confident. The lack of sleep seemed to put me in a better mood. I think that too much sleep can put me in a down mood.

I noticed my appetite was less Friday night. I hardly ate any dinner. I wonder if it is because I did not sleep the night before.

Friday night I went to sleep at my usual time of 12am. I had my alarm set for two separate times, not too early. I was trying to get myself in the habit of waking up earlier because I have to be at work at 7:45am all next week. I somehow slept through all my alarms - I don't even recall hearing them. I finally got out of bed at 1 something and didn't make it to Sabbath service until 2pm - 2 hours late. AND I was still sleepy during the service. So much so I went to my car to take a nap. Even after taking the nap, when I came inside I was still sleepy! What in the world!

Now it is Sunday Morning 7:30am and I was unable to sleep. And I have to work 11 hours waitressing today. :-) I think I will be okay though.   

On the plus side while I was not sleeping I was very productive and had some creative ideas as well as very well needed prayers. I have been lacking in prayer and spiritual activity. But praise Yahweh I finsally had ap 2 way conversation in prayer and also a revelation from Luke ch 1. More on that in my other blog: Walking with Yahushua