Confession

I don't like that I don't like the way I look in pictures in the mirror. I don't like that I notice people's weight. It's like when you are focused on your own weight you notice others. I am thinking about joining a gym. My hesitation, I don't have enough money. That is pathetic. It doesn't even cost that much. I should make provision. I don't hesitate to spend money at low cost food. I need to make a commitment.

Productive Day

Yay! I had a day off from work and got a lot done. I planted some bulbs and cleaned my room. Did laundry. Made a hat/scarf rack. Hung my diploma. Removed old clothes from my closet. Vacuumed. Cleaned the ceiling fan and tightened the bolts so I could use it. My room was a mess. I still had some things laying around from when I moved here in January. I found two things that were lost, my camera and my big set of markers. :) so glad I did not lose them for real.
It's not finished yet though. I still have to put all my clean clothes up and do something with my old clothes. I have some great items so I want to sell them but it will take time to catalogue.

Finding the excitement in the mundane...I feel so much better now that my room is clean. Doing these mundane tasks might suck but the reward is great. It was hard work digging but it will be great to look at the flowers that come up and know I made it happen. I might actually enjoy being in my room now that I can walk around.

I need to focus on this progress and not let it slip. It's 8:30pm and I still have some time left in the day to get my clothes put up.

So I'm singing off to get it done :)

Its Time

I got a job and have been waking up early for work. I am still sleeping pretty late. I am doing good though. I feel good. And I feel ready to start making changes to loose weight. With changes in medications I have been on this loop of gaining and loosing weight. I don't like the feeling of looking at photos and not liking it as much. I don't like comparing myself to a lighter me and thinking I look better or worse.

So I'm going to do some searching to find out what kind of diet I want to go on. I really don't like the idea of diets, I just need to figure out what changes to make. I am okay with loosing weight slowly.

Today I was productive. Last night I didn't sleep...

Today I was productive. Last night I didn't sleep...

At the end of last week I had fixed my sleep schedule to the "normal" (sleeping when its dark). I had been going to sleep at like 3 and 4am and waking up late in the afternoon. I have a tendency to want to stay awake at night. I wouldn't call it insomnia. I just don't like going to sleep and I don't like waking up. It leads to me sleeping away the morning.

To get my schedule back to normal I usually stay awake during the night and day until it is the following night. That is what I did last night, because I wanted to be awake for the weekend.

This isn't healthy. As a person with Bipolar I should't be missing sleep. But It makes me wonder...If I am more productive on the day I didn't sleep than when I went sleep late and slept throught the morning maybe it is a good thing. Maybe I should do an occasional sleepless night, especially during times like this when I am sleeping more than normal on the nights I sleep.

I suppose it would be best to just sleep between 10pm and 10am, but that just isn't my tendency (unless I have obligations).

up and down

I have gone through a lot lately. I was almost arrested twice in one day. I was instead sent to a crisis stabilization unit. Apparently I was not well. They changed my medications around. I feel good about this new combination. My psychiatrist says to try it out for a month and then he will see if any changes are needed. So on top of all that mess I lost my job and wrecked my car. It seems as if the enemy is out to get me. I have to stay positive though. I am facing the decision if I need to move in with my parents back in Marietta, 4 hours away from my grad school. Moving away makes me feel like I am giving up on grad school. But it is evident that I have a problem, because I have been hospitalized each semester in grad school. And since I don't have a job, paying for rent and car seem unmanageable.  I have been seeing a social worker and a counselor/play therapist to manage my illness this semester. I finally feel a break through. Before I didn't know what to do with a counselor. As I have continued to go I am seeing the outcome; it is encouraging. Before I didn't have a clue how to cope with depression. I am learning and practicing more self control. I believe self control is the key to a healthy sustained recovery. If I can practice self control to avoid talking to people who don't want to talk to me and not pushing my beliefs on others and not flirting with every man that walks by I will be solid. I feel this self control already happening. I believe that medication gives me the freedom to allow myself to rely on self control more than medicating.

Check out my vlogs for more information about my experience with bipolar disorder. My most recent one talks about healing.

Changes

It has been a long time since I last posted. A lot has changed. I was addicted to sugar that's not a problem anymore. I'm no longer compulsively eating. The medication I was taking really is what caused all that. I was on zyprexa which is when I was having the compulsive eating. I gained a lot of weight. I was also on depokate which causes weight gain. I got off of both those medicines I'm now taking latdua. Since coming off those medications I have lost a lot of weight and my appetite has changed. I don't have cravings like I used to. My last posts talked about being habitual and having a routine. I'm no longer doing that. It just isn't who I am. I don't know what was going on that allowed me to be like that. It was a great time but being habitual just doesn't come natural for me. I went through a low period . I wasn't doing much and was sleeping a lot. I tried several different antidepressants to bring me out of it but none had much effect. My doctor put me on a stimulant vyvanse. My productivity increased and I didn't become manic. So I think the combination of latuda and vyvanse are the right combination to manage my bipolar disorder. I see a counselor regularly, but for me medication is what really keeps my mood right.

For my diet now since I have less of an appetite I need to focus on getting enough of the right nutrients in. I have been lazy about making meals which means I am eating less healthy.

I go through phases where I will post a lot then I won't for awhile. I wanted to make a post because so much has changed. I got an app to write posts on my cell, so maybe I will post more often.

I am Accomplishing being Habitual

I feel I am in a really good place right now. I recently came out of the mental hospital (I have bipolar disorder). It was a really good experience. It really helped me to get my medications adjusted and to develop a routine. I have talked about how "Finding the Excitement in the Mundane" is about doing things that you may not want to do, but you need to for you health andwell being. Often times those things can be habitual, like washing your dish immediately, or folding your clothes directly when they are dry, or making your bed directly after you get out of bed. All these things can  be habitual. I am so thankful that since coming out of the hospital I have been in the healthy habit of cleaning my dishes, making my bed, doing a morning devotional. I have never felt this accomplished. I never thought I could be a habitual person. A week before the hospital I had a mountain of dishes in my sink growing grime on them. Halleluyah I am accomplishing being habitual!

Habits

I am being habitual!

This is a really exciting victory!

I am actually waking up early in the morning, making my bed, taking my medicine, having quiet time, eating breakfast taking care of hygiene, and getting dressed for the day.

That might sound like nothing to some of you, but for others that is a big deal. For me it is a big deal. When I get depressed I neglect simple things such as I listed above.

I just came out of the hospital a week ago. I checked myself in, but I was still a 1013 (involuntary). I will tell you more about the process of how that went down in a video later. I knew I needed help. I am glad I went. I needed that reset button. There is something monumental about being in an environment where there is staff looking out for your holistic health 24/7. Keeping you on a regimented schedule, food, meds, hygiene, are all on a strict schedule. The schedule is really close to the natural circadian rhythms (the sun rise and sets). As I have come back to my home I have tried to keep close to that, waking up really early and going to bed really early. It has been going quite well. I think if I make it a general rule to make it back to my apartment by sundown I will be good, unless I am planning on doing a fun activity at night in which case I will stay out late.

I think there always needs to be room for exceptions.

When I set out to make lofty goals such as being in my apartment before sundown it can end up being a burden and when something that is designed to be healthy for you begins to be a burden for you it should be changed, and it will naturally change because our bodies and psyches don't like it. That is why most diets don't work. The same goes with religion, Torah commands should not be a burden because they are good for you.

EVERYTHING IN MODERATION, even healthy things.

Thinking Differently

I found some great articles about diet that helped me have a better frame of mind. You can find links to them here. I read an article about thoughts we shouldn't have about eating. One of them was "I'm addicted to sugar." It talked about how this mentality gets is in a bad cycle of guilt repent eat repeat. We instead need to learn to enjoy in moderation.the article that takes about being addicted to food said that we be gain a tolerance to food that are sweet or salty. We need to eat less of them to regain the sensitivity.

Free Candy

Free candy came to my doorstep. The apartment complex pinned bags of candy to the door with a message. I gave into temptation and ate it. My 3 days of abstinence gone. I didn't stop there either, I bought some ice cream.
I really need to change.