I have not written in awhile, but I have not given up on my pursuits. It is just that I am not near a computer for half the week, so it is difficult to update my blog. Until I have easier access to a computer I probably won't post for awhile, but hope to give a recap in the future when I continue to post.

Getting Back on Track

Day 10
Since what I was originally planning to do today got changed I decided to clean my room. It is a mess. I work up and was really not motivated to take a shower and exercise. I finally did though. I am beginning to see slight changed in my tummy appearance, and I can definitely feel the muscles developed. I am excited to continue to see changes. I just need to continue working out daily.

The past few days I was off track and didn't my exercises everyday. I need to stop making reasons why I don't want to do my exercises , excuses, and start giving my exercises priority. I should make excuses to miss other things, because I have to do my exercises.

I feel really bad when I am not productive. On Sunday I sat on the couch all day watching TV, and it really sucked my energy out. i was also more prone to eating junk when I was just laying around.

On Monday (today is Tuesday) I did do some reading, but was no gun ho about it. I stopped reading in the drawing book, because I got to a place where I needed to draw something. I told myself that the environment wouldn't allow me to focus. I made excuses, just like with exercising. I need to instead make exceptions in order to do my drawing. I need to go out of my way to get it done. Go into my room and close the door.
I am not being determined with my tasks. I cannot let my surrounds dictate my life, or else I will never get anything done. Also I cannot let my moods dictate my actions. If I don't feel like doing something I meed to be determined and do it in spite of those feelings.

I suppose today I did succeed in pushing my feelings aside to get the work done. I rearranged the furniture in my room. It makes me happy because my desk is now in the window corner, and the sunlight can get in better. My room still isn't clean, but I got a lot done. I did two loads of laundry (big deal for me - I hate laundry). I also unpacked two suitcases that have been lying around for a week. Next task is to put away my clothes and get my room fully cleaned.

Running Emotions

Day 5

So I was just chillin out reading Les Mis. and had a bite to eat, which I need to give myself credit for. My dad went to Arbys which I'm not crazy about in the first place, but besides getting the sandwich he got curly fries, onion rings, a chocolate and cheery turnover, and a jamocha shake. I would normally be really excited that he got all of those, because I love accessory foods. But since I am watching what I eat I was not happy about it. I restrained myself and only had one onion ring and one fry (a very long curly fry though) and sat back down with my book and ate the sandwich. It was a beef-n-cheddar with white cheese instead. It was good, for an Arby's, but I could taste the unhealthiness of it -very salty. Since I wasn't very hungry and ate not long before, I just ate half and thought I might eat the rest when I get hunger later. Choosing to not eat when I am not really hungry is something I don't usually do, so I am proud of my self for only eating half of the sandwich. I normally eat a full meal when I am not particularly hungry. I should note, however, that you shouldn't wait till you are hungry to eat. I have been told by a nutritionist to eat about every 4 hours to keep your metabolism going. The fact that my tastes buds noticed the unhealthy taste of the sandwich is significant. Maybe it is because I am eating more fruits and vegetables. I just think it is really cool that I am beginning to not enjoy the taste and feeling that fast food gives me.

As I was reading I remembered to check my email. When I did, I saw an email from University of Louisville. It said I was not accepted to the graduate school. :-( It really made me upset. This was the fourth rejection letter I have gotten out of five schools; I was loosing hope. I had to decided how I was going to react to this news. I could decide to go back to reading and just ignore my feelings of frustration and disappointment. I went inside and picked up my Cavalier King Charles dog, Addie, holding her, feeling her in my arms was comforting. She is like a baby. As I was holding her I thought about how to react to the rejection. I choose not to tell my parents yet, that would involve their emotions about it and talking about it - I just didn't want to deal with that yet. I recognized that I was angry and thought that avoiding it by going back to reading was not a good choice. I thought running would be a good outlet, and I could get some exercise.

I got my iPod and running shoes and was off. I decided to do a Fartlek, it is where you run and walk/jog in intervals. I was listening to the music as I ran. The first song couldn't have been better; it was a Mason Clover upbeat song. I started in a full sprint which was empowering and a bit awkward as I was exposed to the whole neighborhood, bolting past a woman walking a dog and a gardener. I knew it didn't matter, I was just amazed at the speed I was going. I could not recall every going that fast. My legs were pumping from the decline, I didn't slow down till I got to the flat surface. I was aware of my body as I was propelled forward down the hills and was aware of my body when I slowed down and I could feel myself getting winded. Being aware of my body like that was surreal. I decided to switch to walking at the next post.

I prepared for the next downhill and decided that I would base my pace on the terrain throughout the run. I would walk or barely jog on uphills and jog or run on flat surfaces and go full out on the downhills. As I went down the next hill I let it take over and force my legs to go faster than ever. Emotion came over me as adrenaline set in. I as recognizing my emotion, listening to it and it wanted to cry - right there in the street as a bus was driving by. I was still running and I allowed myself to cry. I don't even know if there were tears, it was one of those painful cries that you can see in the mouth and the face gets all scrunched up. As I got to the bottom of the hill still in full speed I decided to take the turn, knowing that it would take me into the next neighborhood, which was notoriously hilly. So I started up the hill in a slow jog - the kind where you are at the pace of walking but just picking up your feet more and swing your arms. It was a tough hill. I was listening to the music - the words were speaking to me. I can't remember what they said, but it kept me moving even though it was a slower song. It came to me again - the crying. I listening to my emotions and let it come out. Letting myself cry is a big deal, I usually brush things off and don't let myself get emotional. I looked around and thought for a moment what I looked like - barely jogging up this hill crying in plain sight in witness to all the cutesy suburban houses; I said to myself, "I don't care, I need this. I am glad i am crying." I took a walking break at the top of the hill. I was approaching a flat stretch, so I thought I better pick up the pace before, another hills comes. I went off running to the beat of the music. When I got tired, still on a flat surface, I switch to walking at the next post. I kind of stopped running before I got to the post; I caught myself and ran the rest of the way.

I went into a walk and reflected on the pretty flowers and how the hills are metaphoric. In the life there are ups and downs and sometimes on an up you need to press on in a jog, putting forth the same effort that would be pretty fast on a flat surface, but on a hill is a crawl. Other times we need to walk during the uphill times, so we have time to experience and learn and grow. Often times hills are thought of metaphorically as a positive time, but gosh darn it when you are exercising it sure isn't. It takes a lot of energy to go up hill, but maybe that is how life is; it takes a lot of effort to get to the top - to that goal place. The downhill times I let go and let the hill take me over causing me to run really fast. It is scary and feels like I don't have to put out any effort; I just have to pick my feet up so I don't trip and fall. Sometimes you might feel like you need to put the breaks on and try and make your legs go slower, because your scared, but that can actually be more damaging to your body due to the fierce impact. So are downhill times good in life? They are certainly a relief in running. It doesn't feel like you are putting forth much effort, but you are going fast - which is good. I guess when downhill is thought of negatively it is because it is leading to a low place.

After thinking about this I approached the final hill. I realized I was not ready for it, and the music was not fast enough. This was a biggie; I prepared myself. The song came on and I let go and was off down the hill. All I was doing was trying to pick my legs up fast enough and keep them from buckling. There was a moment when I was going so fast I subconsciously made one of my legs brake (by straightening it out), because I was a little afraid. I reassured myself, "You can't do that," and continued picking my feet up. I was huffing and puffing like a heavy weight lifter. I swear it was so loud it seemed like people could hear from inside their homes. About halfway down the hill my headphones came out. I was going way too fast to care; there was no stopping me. It made the scene feel all that more dramatic; almost like when Forest Gump ran for the first time and his leg braces come off. I reached the bottom of the hill at the stop sign. I was finished! I was so winded; all I could do was walk it off. I had to bring my heart rate down. The mailman happened to be right at the bottom of the hill when I finished. who knows what he was thinking. I was afraid he was going to stop and talk to me (he is a friendly man), but thankfully he didn't. I put my earphones back in and walked on. I was so exhausted. I needed to cool down so much that I walked past my house to the end of the street. I was so exhausted I was barely walking, dragging my feet, back slumped, huffing and puffing. I felt and probably looked like a zombie. When I came to the hill in my driveway I was probably taking one step every 30 seconds. I was in autopilot; I had checkout. It took all my energy just to pick my feet up. I opened the gate to the back porch and my mom saw me and laughed and imitated my zombie like appearance. I was a little irritated at that so I playfully threw the newspaper at her.

As I was standing there I told my mom the bad news. She gave me a hug and said she was sorry. I appreciated that, even though I'm not very affectionate. She continued to ask me "why do you think you got turned down," and "what are you going to do now". I really didn't want to hear that -it was frustrating me. I didn't want to think about that yet - I actually already had thought of it, but didn't want to explain myself to my mom. I told her I really didn't want her to talk that way right now. She listened to me and let me just sit there in silence, which I was happy with being so exhausted. I understand that she can't help wondering why her wonderful daughter would get rejected, but I just didn't want to hear it. I just wanted comfort, not explanation. Usually I don't really acknowledge the need for comfort and try to be tough, but later I called some friends to make me feel better.

I am really proud of how I handled the news of being rejected. I am proud of myself for facing my emotions instead of bottling them up, and I am really happy that I used my frustration to fuel an extreme run. I would not have had the motivation to run like that without the frustration I had.

Tired With a Headache

Day 4
It is night time and currently my mood is conflicted. I got tired around 4pm and also had a headache at that time. I thought some caffeine would be a good idea, because it wakes you up and can help get rid of a headache. Well it turned out to be a bad idea. It did nothing for my headache and now, about five hours later, I can still feel the caffeine in my system. I have a slight tremor within me that makes me feel like jumping out of my skin. I tried to take a nap around 4pm, but it didn't stick so I am still tired. As I was saying my mood is conflicted, my body is in angst from the caffeine but is also tired from waking up early. This is not fun. Caffeine is not the answer for me.
Also when I was tired around 4pm I ate some chips, though they were baked pita chips were still quite unhealthy. I realized as I continued eating the chips when I was no longer hungry that I was mainly eating because I wasn't feeling good. Maybe I was just trying to find enjoyment in the way the chips tasted (they were flavored like garlic bread) to mask my stupor and headache. I am glad I recognized that and quit eating. It is important to be aware of how I am feeling and how I respond to it, so I can make improvements.
Today I did a lot less than other says-mainly due to my headache; I just did a short amount of reading from the grammar book. I did, however, go on a walk with the dogs. I realized from the grammar book that I need to do first drafts in my writing, in school I would usually procrastinate and not have enough time to get a second draft or revisions. I need to realize that a first draft really should be me just thinking on the page, getting out ideas, not really focusing on rules or grammar. Maybe something to do when I first get the assignment, when I don't have much concrete information like research to include. Doing this will help eliminate the fears I sometimes have about starting a big paper. I often have writers block and don't know how to start my paper, but it is all just me psyching myself out. Even though the writing I am doing in this blog is very casual, I can still work on my grammar. One way I am implementing that is by first writing my thoughts in my journal (hand written - I can easily express myself in hand writing) and then transfer it to the online blog after my mind has time to process (a day later). I have found that I have more add when I am go to write the blog; the journal works by bringing up the topic and I expound on it here. All of this happens subconsciously - its not like I held back when I was writing the journal; I said all that was on my mind. It's just that after a day my mind has processed the experience more and can create more concrete and developed responses to the experience. This should work the same for academic writing. The mind takes time to process things, but it will not do it on its own; you have to bring it up - talk about it write about it think about it repeatedly. Its like when you tell a story over and over. The more you tell it it evolves. You realize how you felt in that moment the more you tell the story and can insert those feelings in the story.

More than Showing Up

Day 3
I got a late start today. I didn't really start doing stuff till 12 or 1 pm. I did not want to get out of bed this morning and wash my face immediately, so I didn't. There is something about me that just has to hit the snooze button like three times before I feel obligated to get out of bed, and even when I finally get out of bed I feel like chillin out in my PJs before I really get anything important done. Maybe I just have to get used to doing those oh-so-necessary morning routine tasks while I still feel like a zombie. I want to throw in my motto here and tell myself, "wake up excited to do the mundane!", but that just does not seem very practical. How bout this: I will dip my toe into the idea of waking up excited to do my routine, and maybe the next day I will have my whole foot in and edventually my whole body - which will be (still in my swimming pool metaphor) like standing in an ice bath, but maybe after many days of getting excited about doing my morning routine right after I wake up I will finally get used to the cool water and start swimming in that pool freely. Then I will be able to wake up ready to wash my face and exercise. All of this is in theory, but hey you have to convince your mind first, and your body will follow.

Today after I stalled for awhile, I finally took a shower and guess what, I did a leg workout after. That was the first time for me to workout in the morning, it was afternoon already but who cares! That was one of my goals to eventually build up to doing exercises both in the morning and night, and I did it! I didn't expect to achieve to that goal so quickly, but now it is a matter of doing it everyday. I also met my goal that I stated yesterday: go beyond the bare minimum and do more than just show up! I am beginning to believe this journaling (or blogging) is truly effective. It may help by making my mind process and develop how I feel and how I want to improve. By reflecting back you automatically asses the strengths and weakness, which allow you to make goals to improve.

Throughout the day I focused on reading and doing the exercises from Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I became stressed out during the exercises that really challenged you to use the right side of your brain. I had to stop at some point and just breath to release the stress. Maybe I was being too careful, and because I was trying to be exact. I hope I can learn to control that stress; it would be very unfortunate for me to get stressed every time I go to draw.

The highlight of my day was calling a friend I had not talked to in months. I was looking for support or really just someone to console me, because I had received another rejection letter from a college. I had not talked to her in months, because I often withdraw from friends who are long distance due to my insecurities. I think that calling them would not be fruitful, or I think that my friend wouldn't really want to talk to me. I think, "they are so far away what is the point." I am so glad I called though. She was so happy to hear from me, and just talking to her uplifted me. I was all smiles. I realized that my insecurities are usually invalid, and even if they were valid there is benefit in calling a friend just to say that you care about them and that you want to see how they are doing. My desire should be to show my friends that I care about them and miss them, and not worry about if they feel the same way. Even if the only reason for calling a friend is to tell them you care about them, that should be enough. To be able to show you care and love for another person is life's greatest gift, and I hope I always remember that.

Moving Along

Day 2
Today was good, I met my goals. I read Les Miserables, my grammar book, and completed a drawing for the book Drawing on the Right Side of Brain. I did my acne regimen morning and night along with the exercises at night. I enjoyed spending the day outside and just had fun. I had a hesitant attitude about completing my tasks for both drawing and doing my acne regimen and workout. I didn't feel like doing it.
When it came time for me to do my drawing, and didn't want to do it; I went to the TV instead. I turned it on during a random time, so there really wasn't anything I wanted to watch. I did, however, notice a show coming on in fifteen minutes that I really wanted to see, so I decided I would do my drawing during that fifteen minutes. Once I got drawing I was fine and enjoyed it, but I just needed that bit of motivation of the TV show to get started. Getting started is always the hardest part.
When I had the bad attitude about doing the regimen I gave myself fifteen minutes to chill before I required myself to start washing my face and workout. I do them together. I have to wait for my face to dry in between washing and applying the ointment (I follow the www.acne.org directions); I do a '8 min. abs' and '8 min. arms' workout video (can be found on YouTube!) while I'm waiting. I love those tapes, they are simple and effective and have a sweet 80s vibe. At first you can't really feel them working, but once you do them for awhile it is good workout - its all about consistency. I set a timer for fifteen minutes and once it rang I stopped what I was doing and went to start the regimen and had a much better attitude. I remembered my motto "get excited about doing what you don't want to do;" I got pumped up and did my workout with strength and determination.
Overall my attitude today was just get it completed and don't excel - I did the bare minimum. I said to myself, "That's enough for now," and quit when it may not have really been very much. I want to switch my attitude from praising myself for doing it to desiring to get the most out of it. It is the idea of you have to do more than just show up. Right now I am happy for myself for getting it done, but I need to be striving for greatness.

Kindling the Fire of Existence

This is the beginning of a journey.
I am embracing life. I realized that life is what you make of it, and my life right now isn't much. And I am the only one who can make something of my life. It takes effort too. I am ready to embrace that effort - to kindle that fire.
For awhile I have been kind of sedentary, not caring about much or doing much. I am now recognizing many things I want to accomplish like exercising, sticking to an acne regimen to clear up my skin, watching my diet, reading - fiction, the Bible, educational material, and practicing and developing my artistic skills. All of these things, goals you can call them (I never liked the idea of a goal though), require consistency - a trait I don't naturally have. It is something I have to gain through desire, determination, and commitment.
Motivation is hard to come by. It is my motto of the season to find excitement in the mundane. This is the only way I believe I can conjure up some motivation to do all the things I need to do for a better life but don't want to do. It is about convincing myself that I want this. I am not determined, but I want to be. I want to be determined, I want to be consistent. I need to be. All of my goals are nothing without consistency. If I do not exercise everyday or wash and treat my skin everyday there will be no results. So, as much as I want to be lazy and skip it one day, I can't. In this blog I am going to document my efforts to accomplish these things. My hope is that having this blog I can reflect on my struggles and have a sense of accountability, and maybe one day someone will read this when I have succeeded and I can be an inspiration. My goals are small and simple, but my goal is more about gaining an attitude - the determination and commitment. With determination and commitment I can accomplish any other goal that I may come up with.